


You're Just Too Good at Being Sad

by NoThanksss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Background Logicality - Freeform, Depressed Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt No Comfort, I mean there's at least a little comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Roman is like... mentioned, Sad Ending, You'll see what I mean, it's not really the focus, like not at all, sorry roman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoThanksss/pseuds/NoThanksss
Summary: You're just too good at being sadI'm just a bandaid on a broken heartPatton and Virgil have been best friends their entire lives, and Patton has always been there for Virgil when he needed it.But sometimes Patton is afraid that his best might not be enough.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	You're Just Too Good at Being Sad

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have this angsty little oneshot. It'll be fun! :P
> 
> Heavily inspired by the song "Sad" by Alexander 23 from Patton's playlist. Idk, I just thought it was so perfect for Patton, particularly in regards to Virgil, and I just had to write this. So here it is.
> 
> Check the tags for trigger warnings please because this is... sad.

When Patton was 10 years old, he found his best friend crying.

He immediately plopped down next to Virgil. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Virgil sniffled. “Just tripped.”

Patton frowned. “Are you okay?”

Virgil shrugged. “Skinned my knee,” he mumbled.

Patton glanced over, and sure enough, Virgil’s jeans were ripped, one of his knees bleeding a little.

“Ouch,” he said sympathetically. “Let’s go see Ms. Evans. I bet she’ll have a bandaid for that.”

Virgil nodded, allowing Patton to pull him to his feet. He trailed after his friend as they went to talk to the teacher.

In no time, Virgil was fixed up. The day continued without further incident, and Patton completely forgot about it.

Though he did wonder in the back of his mind why Virgil seemed to trip so often.

* * *

When Patton was 12 years old, he knew better.

Patton bounced nervously in his seat. They were late.

It shouldn’t have been a problem. Patton was always at school with plenty of time to spare, so an extra ten minutes or so shouldn’t have made him quite as anxious as it did. 

But it did. Because anything could happen to Virgil in those ten minutes.

The car had barely stopped before Patton had pushed the door open. “Thanks Mom, love you, bye!” he said in a rush, grabbing his backpack and all but sprinting around to the side of the school where he and Virgil hung out in the mornings. 

As soon as he rounded the corner, his heart sank. There was Virgil, all right. And surrounding him was a group of bullies that had been picking on him for years. They hadn’t started pushing him around yet, but it wouldn’t be long.

As he ran toward them, he picked up on a few of the taunts they were throwing Virgil’s way.

“Look at this loser, he’s totally gonna cry!”

“What a freak, you should just leave!”

“Nobody wants you here!”

Patton pushed through the group and skidded to a halt protectively in front of his friend. “Hey, back off!” he snarled.

One of the bullies, Kevin, laughed at him. “Get a load of this! Just a little loser standing up for his little loser friend.”

“Shut up, Kevin,” Patton practically seethed. “You don’t scare me.”

Kevin stepped closer, glaring down at him menacingly. “Well, maybe you should be scared.”

“And maybe you should study harder before you fail all your classes,” Patton snapped, ignoring the _oooohs_ of Kevin’s friends. “Get out of my face. You know if you do anything else I’ll just tell Mrs. Martin and you’ll get detention again.”

Kevin glowered at Patton, but backed off. “You’re pathetic,” he spat, his eyes shifting to focus on something behind Patton. “You need your stupid little friend to stand up for you. You’re always going to be a dumb failure for the rest of your dumb life!”

Patton heard a small whimper behind him and he saw red. “Shut up!” he screamed, his hands clenching into tight fists at his sides. He had never felt so angry in his entire life. “Just leave us alone!”

He watched with a dull sense of satisfaction as Kevin turned and walked away just a little bit quicker, with his dumb friends right behind him. Then he turned and crouched in front of Virgil, who was curled up on the ground, barely-constrained tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Patton said earnestly. “It won’t happen again.”

“It’s fine,” Virgil mumbled. “It’s my own fault for letting them do that. I wish I could be brave like you.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Patton said. “You can work up to being brave, and in the meantime I can manage for the both of us.”

Virgil bit his lip, but nodded. Patton could tell he was still feeling a bit down about the whole situation.

“Don’t let them get to you, Virge,” he said, trying to cheer his friend up. “They’re just a bunch of jerks.”

“I dunno, Pat,” Virgil said, staring down at his shoes. “Maybe they’re right.”

Patton considered that idea for approximately point two seconds before shaking his head decisively. “They’re not.”

“They could be,” Virgil argued weakly.

“Nope!” Patton said firmly. “Definitely not.”

“How do you know?”

“Because they’re dumb,” Patton said matter-of-factly.

Virgil stared at him in shock for a second before bursting into unwilling giggles. 

“Pat–”

“I’m serious!” Patton insisted. “I swear Kevin’s already been held back at least twice. It’s the only explanation for how ridiculously huge he is. I wouldn’t trust a guy like that for, well, pretty much anything.”

Virgil was trying, and actively failing, to stifle his laughter. “That’s so _rude_ , Pat. I didn’t know you had it in you!”

Patton shrugged, a sly grin on his face. “Some people deserve it. All I’m saying is, Kevin doesn’t know anything. And he _especially_ doesn’t know anything about you.”

His smile shifted a little, taking on a softer look. “But I do. And I know that you are super cool, and awesome, and that you’re going to do great things someday.”

Virgil made a face. “Okay, Pat. I get it. But this is getting to be a little much, don’t you think?”

“Nope!” Patton said cheerfully. He helped pull Virgil to his feet, as it was almost time for class. And as they walked through the hallways, Patton showered his best friend with compliments, each getting more and more ridiculous.

By the time they reached their classroom, Patton was in the middle of a vivid description of Virgil’s smile, claiming that it was the only known cure to cancer, and Virgil had his face buried in his hands, flushing with embarrassment.

“Stop it,” he whined.

But he couldn’t quite hide his smile.

* * *

When Patton was 14 years old, his best friend was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Patton knew that Virgil didn’t want to make a big deal about it. He told Patton in a casual text, and the implications were obvious: _Leave it alone._

So he did.

But that didn’t stop him from bringing a big batch of chocolate chip cookies to school the next day. 

Virgil smiled fondly when he saw them. “Aw, sweet!” he said, grabbing a few eagerly. “Thanks, Pat.”

“Anytime,” Patton grinned. He was pleased to see that his plan was working. Virgil’s smile was rare, and very special. Patton was always proud of himself when he could elicit one.

Mid-bite, though, Virgil froze. He narrowed his eyes at Patton suspiciously. “Hey… you didn’t do this because of that uh- that thing I told you, did you?”

“I haven’t a clue what you could be referring to,” Patton said innocently, snagging a cookie for himself.

Virgil frowned. “Pat–”

“Come on, Virge, you know I love baking,” Patton said, rolling his eyes. “This is not the weirdest thing I’ve randomly brought to school.”

“Yeah, but–”

“And besides, it’s bold of you to assume that I wasn’t already planning on making cookies to bring today,” Patton added, smirking slightly.

Virgil stared at the half-eaten cookie in his hand, seeming conflicted. Patton was starting to worry that he may have miscalculated. 

“Hey,” he said anxiously. “Is this okay?”

“I just… I don’t want things to be different. Just because of this… thing.” Virgil avoided Patton’s worried eyes. “It feels like something’s wrong with me,” he said quietly.

Patton felt his heart break just a little more. He scrambled for the right words to say, afraid that the wrong thing would just make things worse.

“Look, Virge,” Patton said softly. “There is something wrong. But there’s nothing wrong with _you_. This isn’t your fault, and I’m not going to treat you any different because of it.”

Virgil’s eyes flicked up to meet Patton’s, an uncertain look in his eyes, but Patton pushed on before Virgil could argue.

“I brought cookies today because I know it makes you happy. And when you get happy, I get to see that special little smile of yours that I love so much. If you don’t like it, I’ll stop. I just- I just wanted to see you smile,” Patton said, his voice breaking slightly. “I’m sorry.”

Virgil stared at him for a few terrifying seconds, then sighed softly. “It’s okay. I- thank you.”

His smile didn’t reappear, but Patton was still immensely relieved. He hadn’t completely screwed things up. 

Virgil stuffed his hands into his hoodie pockets, and Patton didn’t miss his defensive stance. 

“And besides,” Virgil said, “it would be dumb to ask you stop bringing cookies. Because then, you know. I’d stop getting cookies,” he added, making a halfway decent attempt at a light-hearted tone. He peered at Patton through his bangs, an anxious smile on his face. It wasn’t what Patton had been going for, but he would take it.

“That is an excellent point!” he grinned. “Wow Virgil, you are one smart cookie.”

Virgil groaned. “Come on, Pat, that wasn’t even clever.”

Patton nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, that one was a little crummy. Not my best, for sure.”

Without another word, Virgil grabbed the plate of cookies from Patton’s hands, turned, and walked away.

Patton stared after him in surprise for a moment, before running to catch up. “Hey, wait! You can’t just steal my cookies! That violates the laws of friend-chip!”

“You assaulting my ears with so many puns is violating the laws of friend-chip! I mean, ugh! Friendship!”

By the time Patton caught up with Virgil, they were both laughing, and Patton was happy.

He just hoped that Virgil was, too.

* * *

When Patton was 16 years old, he found out that his best friend was hurting himself.

Patton was bored. 

He should honestly just go to sleep, it was beyond late, but it was the weekend. There was nothing wrong with staying up just a little bit later than usual.

So he just laid in bed, playing a game on his phone and texting his friend.

He clicked on the sudden notification indicating a new text from Virgil, a welcome sight after an apparent lull in their conversation. It was no surprise to either of them that Virgil was still up. He had absolutely horrible sleeping habits, weekend or otherwise.

**Virge** at 1:47 

_Can I tell you a secret?_

Patton’s eyebrows shot up. What secret could Virgil possibly want to tell him in the middle of the night, over text no less?

**Pat** at 1:47 

_Of course_

**Virge** at 1:47

_Promise you wont tell anyone_

Patton’s mouth quirked up on one side.

**Pat** at 1:48

_I know what a secret is_

_Not telling people is kinda the point_

**Virge** at 1:48

_Promise me_

Patton frowned. Virgil’s insistence was making him a little nervous.

**Pat** at 1:48

_I promise_

_What is it?_

But there was no response. Patton’s frown deepened. He stared at his phone, waiting for a new message to pop up. After a few minutes, he went back to his game, trying to ignore the anxiety that was steadily building up inside of him.

His finger hit the notification button before he had even fully registered it. The message popped into view, and Patton scanned it quickly, his heart jumping up into his throat.

**Virge** at 1:56

_Sometimes I hurt myself_

Patton stared at the phone. What?

**Pat** at 1:56

_What do you mean_

But of course he already knew the answer to that question. Fingers shaking, he sent another text.

**Pat** at 1:56

_Like cutting?_

The response was quick this time.

**Virge** at 1:56

_Yeah_

Patton’s phone fell from his fingers, landing on his pillow silently. He stared at the screen, the stark black words standing out against the brightness of the screen. They were just little black lines, but they meant so much.

He snatched up his phone again.

**Pat** at 1:57

_Oh_

_Why do you do that_

**Virge** at 1:58

_Idk_

_Just kinda hate myself sometimes_

Patton felt tears welling up in his eyes. No. This wasn’t right. Virgil didn’t deserve that. He was one of Patton’s most favorite people in the entire world! Why couldn’t he see how incredible he was?

**Pat** at 1:58

_Virgil no_

_No_

_Virgil please dont_

_You have to tell someone_

**Virge** at 1:59

_Technically i have_

_I just told you_

Patton wished he were next to Virgil at that moment so that he could knock some sense into him. Since that wasn’t an option, he settled for choking back a frustrated sob instead.

**Pat** at 2:00

_I know and thats good_

_But I cant be the only one_

_You need to tell your therapist or somebody_

_I dont think i can help you as much as you need_

The reply came sooner than he was expecting, and Patton could practically feel Virgil’s panic through the screen.

**Virge** at 2:00

_I cant_

_Patton i cant_

_No way absolutely not cant do that_

**Pat** at 2:01

_You have to_

_This isnt safe_

_You could get hurt_

**Virge** at 2:01

_I mean_

_Thats kinda the point_

Patton stared at his screen. This couldn’t be happening. His best friend could not be deliberately, intentionally hurting himself. No way. He refused to believe it.

**Pat** at 2:02

_No i mean like really hurt_

_You could get an infection or something_

_You need to tell someone_

**Virge** at 2:02

_No_

_I dont want to stop_

Patton thought he might actually scream.

**Pat** at 2:02

_Idc_

_This is really bad_

_You need help_

**Virge** at 2:02

_No I dont!_

**Pat** at 2:03

_Then why did you tell me_

_Face it Virge_

_You need help and you know it_

Virgil apparently didn’t have a response to that. Patton stared at his phone intently, his game long forgotten. The brightness of the screen in his dark room hurt his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

**Virge** at 2:07

_Idk why i told you_

_Its just_

_A lot_

**Pat** at 2:07

_I know_

_Thats why you have to tell someone_

_Please Virgil_

_Please please please_

_Idk how to help you_

As Patton waited anxiously for a response, he couldn’t help but think about his last message: “I don’t know how to help you.” It was so painfully true, and that hurt so bad. How could he call himself Virgil’s best friend? He had had no idea that Virgil was hurting so much, and even now that he did, there was nothing he could do! He was completely useless.

He waited and waited and waited for a response, but as the minutes ticked by, Patton began to lose hope. What would he do if Virgil refused? He couldn’t just let it go. But he had sworn not to tell a soul. Would it be worth it to break Virgil’s trust if it meant helping him?

Patton was afraid that the answer to that question was probably yes.

He had almost drifted off to sleep when his phone suddenly lit up with a new notification. Patton clicked on it, rolling over onto his back and holding his phone above his face. His heart raced as he squinted at the words in the bright light.

**Virge** at 2:51

_Okay_

_I’ll try_

Patton dropped his phone to his chest, closing his eyes and letting out a relieved sigh.

_Thank god._

* * *

When Patton was 18 years old, he and his best friend had to part ways.

It was bound to happen, Patton knew that, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Patton got into a school in state about a couple hours away, while Virgil chose to stay home and work for a semester or two to save up money. His grades, while not horrible, had never been fantastic, and they certainly weren’t good enough to get him a scholarship that would cover the costs of school. 

Virgil sat on Patton’s bed, watching as he packed. “Do you really need that many stuffed animals?”

Patton gasped in offense. “Virgil! How could you say that? I can’t leave a single one behind!”

“Not even that ratty old frog?”

Patton looked down at the stuffed frog in his hands, before squeezing it into a tight hug. “Of course not! Frogger has been my life-long companion. I’d rather die than be separated from him!”

Virgil snorted. “All right, all right, fine. Do what you want, I guess.”

“I will, thank you very much,” Patton said, tucking Frogger carefully into his suitcase. “Besides, I thought you were supposed to be helping me, not lazing around and judging my life choices.”

“I can’t, I’m gay.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”

Virgil shrugged, leaning back to lie comfortably on Patton’s bed. “Sorry, Pat. I don’t make the rules.”

Patton grabbed a yet-to-be-packed stuffed animal and threw it at him. “I’m gay too, you weirdo!”

Virgil burst into laughter, throwing his hands over his head as another stuffed animal got hurled his way. “Okay, okay, fine! I’m helping, I’m helping!”

They worked together, and in no time, the room was packed up and ready to go. Patton plopped down on his bed, exhausted. He looked up to see Virgil standing in the center of the room, looking around with a sad look in his eyes. 

“Virge?”

Virgil jumped. “Yeah?”

“Everything okay?”

Virgil brought a hand up to rub at the back of his head awkwardly. “Oh… yeah. I just… You’re really going, aren’t you?”

Patton’s gaze softened. “Yeah. I really am.”

He jumped to his feet, stepping forward and grabbing Virgil’s hands in his. “But don’t you worry! I’ll be texting you so much that you’re going to get sick of me! You’ll be all like, ‘Wow, I thought Pat moving away would mean some peace and quiet for once, but no! There is no escape!’ And I’ll be back on the weekends when I can, and we can hang out, and it’ll be great!”

One side of Virgil’s mouth quirked up in a small smile, but Patton could tell he was still sad. Patton couldn’t blame him. He was sad too.

“Hey,” he said, toning it down a bit. “I mean it. No matter what happens, you’ll always be my best friend, okay?”

Virgil gave him a quick nod and pulled him into a tight hug. Patton immediately hugged him back. “Let me know if it gets bad again,” he said quietly. “Even if I can’t be here for you physically, I’ve always got your back, okay?”

Virgil nodded into his shoulder, but that wasn’t good enough for Patton. He pulled away, grabbing Virgil’s shoulders and staring him directly in the eye. “Promise me,” he insisted. “Promise me you won’t keep it to yourself.”

Virgil hesitated, then nodded. “I promise.”

Patton smiled, and pulled him back into another hug.

* * *

When Patton was 20 years old, his best friend attempted suicide.

“Dammit, Virge,” he muttered, staring out of the car window, tears building up in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Logan glanced over at him nervously from the driver’s seat. He had refused to let Patton drive himself home, seeing the distressed state he was in, but he clearly didn’t know what to do to help. How could he? He had never even met his boyfriend’s best friend. He hadn’t had the chance yet.

And at this rate, maybe he never would.

Patton dug his nails into his palms, trying to banish that thought from his brain. Virgil would be okay. He had to be.

Patton couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt that had been clawing at him since the moment he found out. He should’ve known. He should’ve been there!

He hadn’t visited home in weeks. He’d meant to, he’d wanted to even, but things had gotten so busy. Logan had finally asked him to be his boyfriend, and they had spent the whole weekend together. Then Roman had had his play, and then they had gotten so busy with midterms, and then the next week had been Logan’s birthday, and there was just never enough time.

_Not enough time to prevent your best friend from trying to kill himself?_

Patton dug his nails in a little deeper. 

_This is your fault._

He should’ve seen the signs. Virgil had been growing increasingly distant for weeks. Patton thought back to the last in-person conversation they had had, wincing.

Virgil had seemed… dejected. One semester off had turned into two, then three, then four. There just wasn’t enough money for him to go to college, and unsurprisingly, the thought of taking out such a big loan made him far too anxious to go through with it.

“At this rate, I’m going to end up working some dumb job and living at my parents’ house for the rest of my dumb life!”

“Hey, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t go to college,” Patton had reassured him. “There are tons of other options out there! You can do all sorts of cool things without a degree!”

“Yeah, I… I know. Thanks, Pat.”

And Patton had thought that was the end of it. But he had been so, so wrong.

When they finally made it home, Patton wasted no time. He made his way to Virgil’s hospital room as soon as they would let him in, and immediately gasped at the sight of his best friend.

Virgil looked so… small. He was swamped in the white sheets and the hospital gown he wore, the bright purple of his hair contrasting sharply against the otherwise plain room. He was hooked up with all sorts of wires and tubes, and those horrible bandages were wrapped all up and down his arms. The sight alone made Patton lose it.

He rushed forward, sitting in the seat by the bed and clasping Virgil’s hand in his own. He was vaguely aware of Logan hovering awkwardly in the doorway, but he couldn’t focus on that now.

“Why did you do this?” he whispered. “You… you promised me.”

He held Virgil’s hand against his cheek and cried.

Patton looked up when a nurse entered the room. He knew he probably looked like a mess right now but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Do you know… is he going to be okay?”

He had already heard from Virgil’s parents. But he wanted to hear it again.

The nurse gave him a horrible, sympathetic smile. “His vitals are fine,” he said gently. “He could wake up anytime.”

Patton nodded, and left the nurse alone to do his job. He left soon after, leaving Patton and Logan alone in the room.

Logan stepped forward, sitting down in a chair next to Patton, and Patton immediately leaned over into his shoulder. Logan wrapped a comforting arm around him. “It sounds good,” he said quietly. “If he really could wake up anytime, then I don’t see any reason why he wouldn’t. Perhaps he’ll be up again by tomorrow.”

Patton sniffled softly. “I hope you’re right, Lo,” he said. “I really hope you’re right.”

But Virgil didn’t wake up the next day. He didn’t wake up the day after that, either. And he didn’t wake up during the entire week Patton stayed home, by his side whenever they would let him.

And eventually, Patton had to go back to school.

Every weekend that followed, Patton drove back home. No matter what else was going on, he made the time to see his best friend.

Logan joined him at least half the time. He had never been great with feelings, and didn’t really know how to help Patton when distressed, but he remained a constant pillar of support that Patton so desperately needed. Roman joined them a few times as well, and Patton would’ve been so happy to have them both there if only it had been under better circumstances. He had never imagined his friends’ first meeting to be quite like this.

But even when neither of them could come, Patton was there. He devoted hours of his time to sitting by Virgil’s side, hoping desperately for any sign of life, and determined to be there for him as soon as he needed him.

But Patton knew better than anyone that it was too little, too late.

* * *

When Patton was 21 years old, he sat by a hospital bed and prayed for his best friend to wake up.

**Author's Note:**

> Haha sorry... 
> 
> Let me know if the format is weird or something, and definitely let me know if you liked it! It would mean a lot to me! (No pressure though)
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


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